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Grief support for all bereaved young people?
Published on October 15, 2008
I'm 14 years old now, and my mum and dad were killed when I was seven, before I came to the UK to live with my uncle and aunt. They became my parents overnight, and we had lived together with my younger sister until about a year ago. I want to tell you what happened to me and the trouble I have had trying to get help and support for the bereavement of my parents. I hope this will try to help other young people like me to get the right help quicker and faster before things get worse...
You get to a stage in life when you try to come to terms with the grief. You see people who try to help- counsellors, social worker, school teachers, etc. They all say they want to help you, but they never take enough time to understand your situation fully; they only take time to listen to the bits of your story that they want to, or that won’t take up their time. After listening they always give the same advice:
- Talk to someone about how you feel [Isn’t that why I am talking to them in the first place.
- Try to forget what’s happened and get on with your life [If I could just get on with my life and forget my family, I would do so]
- Try to think about yourself and what’s best for you [That is not so easy, especially if you don’t get help to work through your problems first] So you try to help yourself in any way you can. Smoking was one way for me. When I was smoking I would concentrate on the cigarette and forget my life for a minute. After a very short while, the smoking then becomes part of you. You wonder why you started and carry on because the grief is still there. Only you know how it affects you.
Find out about yourself as you try different things. But you also keep asking everyday: why me? There are people out there to help you come to terms with grief. Some people have helped. I have seen the good in people and its helps me to get through the day and have hope for the future. Those that don’t really listen don’t help. It just makes me wonder why I am talking to them. I think if had been offered grief support when I was younger I probably wouldn’t have the view I have now. I could have spoken to someone to make sense of what was happening. I tried asking my uncle to get help in year 7, but he refused.
In year 9 I got someone to talk to about how I felt at school. I really looked forward to it. I thought this could be a good new start that would help me to get some confidence. It was the first time someone had tried something different. They spoke to me, got me into activities to take my mind off things, and went to weekly meetings- I could really talk to them. I got to a stage where I felt that I could manage by myself, and knew that I could call them for help in the future when I wanted it. My uncle then called them and told them that I did not need them anymore. But as soon as that stopped I felt everything slipping backwards again because there was no one to talk to.
Within months I was put into care for a short period because the problems at home got worse. I met my social worker then I didn’t see him for another two months. Then the same pattern happened again and again. He didn’t do grief, but I was led to believe that he would help. Eventually I found out that my aunt had refused for me to have grief support. I was disappointed at first, but felt that it would come sometime. Eventually I moved out of there, but found myself homeless again for a while, before going into care again. I did not find it easy to talk to the next friends I was with, but I tried and sometimes felt better. Now that I am in care, I am still waiting for grief support. There are many reasons I think for not having gotten grief support despite asking for so long. One of these is because I have never felt settled where I have lived, and that I will be there for the long term. I can talk about my feelings with my carers, but I may have to move soon to another placement. That would either mean starting and stopping grief support again, or starting and then changing to someone else- I don’t want either of these. Another reason is that my family have to sign the papers to give permission for me to get grief support. They have always refused because they don’t want to deal with the grief themselves. I really don’t know why I should have to wait for their permission before I begin to get my life back together.
